Pain and Love
by fairyskye
Summary: ON HIATUS. It's been about a year since Vash returned with his brother. Meryl has been on edge for the past few months and what's going on with Milly and Knives (slighty OOC? Rated R to be on the safe side. VM KM
1. Inside the Mind of Meryl Stryfe

Hello everyone! I'm not abandoning "A Change of Life". I just needed to write something different. Neways, this is my second story that I'm writing. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, and a forewarning, I think Meryl and Knives will be slightly OOC so I hope that's okay. I'll try to keep them in character as much as the storyline will let it. So enjoy the ride!

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Me: Woo-hoo! Another story!

Vash: Whatever happened to "A Change of Life"? I never got to have any se- (Meryl punches Vash in the head). I mean I never got any action! (runs away to avoid the wrath of Meryl)

Me: (mumbles) Idiot…

Knives: I second that.

Me: KNIVES!!! (jumps into his arms) I still love ya! Even though Miroku, Spike, Kib-

Knives: OOokay…I get your point. (starts kissing me)

Me: Before we get (kiss) into any of (kiss) this, I've got to (kiss) to the disclaimer

Disclaimer: I do not own (keep your pants on!) Trigun or any (dammit I'm almost finished!) of its characters (purrs now you may continue Knivesy-babe...)

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Chapter One: Inside the Mind of Meryl Stryfe

Meryl's POV

I stared out into the vastness of this desert planet from my window. I hear a familiar masculine voice along with the playful squeals of children. Glancing downwards, I see a tall, blond haired man playing dodge ball with the town's children. My lips slightly curve upwards.

It has been about a year since Vash came back to Milly and me with his brother Knives slung over his shoulder. I had kept my composure of course but inside I felt my heart elate to new heights. I thought this time I would tell him the truth. I remember the courage building up inside of me and I thought that that day would be the day I would confess to him my true feelings for him. Well, I thought wrong. When I had approached him, I felt all my determination and courage flush down the toilet and I backed away. I'm glad I did.

I had returned to my room that day and I'd contemplated my feelings for Vash. There was no way in hell it could've worked out between us. There were just too many complications. For one thing, I was a human and he was a plant. He would definitely outlive me. That was only half of the reason why I couldn't confess. The other half of my reason was Knives. To this day, Knives had recovered extremely fast and well. No one knew if he would turn back into the murdering machine that he used to be. For that reason, I couldn't be another burden on Vash. He has so much to deal with already. I didn't want to be in his way.

All of a sudden I gasped out slightly in pain and clutched my heart. I shiver a bit and relax. That has been happening to me for the past couple of weeks. It always happens when I think of Vash. I bite my lip to keep my tears in. _It's not fair! Why did I have to fall in love with him?_ It was painful to be so in love with someone that you could never have.

I shuffle away from my window and lay across my bed staring at the ceiling. For the past couple of months, my demeanor had changed. No longer was I the bitchy, irritated insurance girl. I had become silent and calm unless Knives pushed my buttons the right way. _The bastard. Always getting me worked up._ Everyone noticed my change. Milly would look at me strangely and ask if I was all right and all. Of course I said yes but that was far from the truth. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts.

"Meryl? It's me Milly." I sat up from my bed and straightened out my clothes.

"Come in," I said and Milly stepped inside. She made her way towards me and sat down beside me.

"Is everything all right?" asked Milly quietly. I nodded my head. "You don't need to lie to me you know." I snapped my head towards her. Her eyes were like a truth serum. I sighed.

"I'm not all right," I said. I took one of my pillows and hugged it. _For someone who's twenty-five years old you sure don't act like it._

"Would you like to talk about it?" I didn't answer her. "It's about Vash isn't it?" My eyes began to water and I felt the ache in my chest throb. Milly sighed and placed a hand on my back. "You need to tell him Meryl. It's not good to keep it bottled up inside of you. Just tell him the you lo-"

"I can't!" I cried. "I can't tell him!"

"Why not Meryl? Why can't you just follow your heart?" Milly asked roughly. I stood up and faced her.

"Because there are too many complications Milly," I ranted. Milly sat patiently as I rambled off. "He can never know. If I tell him, he'll either reject me or leave with Knives and I don't want him to do either." Milly tried to get a word in but I cut her off. "Vash has enough to deal with already. It's my fault that I let myself fall in love with him. I'd rather suffer the consequences in silence rather than dragging him along too." I took a deep breath. Milly stared back at me sadly.

"Don't you want Vash to love you?" Tear drops streamed down my face. I sat down on a chair.

"Of course I want him to love me! But I can't let him love me. If he were to fall in love with me, he would lose me in a couple of decades leaving him with nothing. It wouldn't be fair to him. I don't want to be the bearer of his pain. He deserves so much more than me."

"So you're saying that the reason why you won't tell Vash that you love him is because you're trying to save him from any more pain and that you're not good enough for him?" asked Milly.

"And then some," I replied back sarcastically. "I'm sorry Milly."

"It's alright Meryl," said Milly reassuringly. She stood up to leave. "I still think you should tell him Meryl. Vash deserves to know the truth. He's been very worried about you." I looked down at my lap. The door shut closed and left me in my silence once more.

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Meryl's POV (con't)

I finally have the courage to go downstairs for lunch. I've been skipping meals from trying to avoid him. Instead, I lock myself in my room losing myself in my thoughts. When I entered the dining area, I took my seat at my usual spot, which was far away from Vash. I could hear the tinkle of glassware as Milly served the food.

"I wonder where Mr. Knives and Mr. Vash are?" said Milly as she took her seat. I stared at my plate. _3…2…1._

"That wasn't fair! Why do we always have to do things your way?" came the whining voice of Vash.

"Just shut up and get inside!" growled Knives and the door slammed shut. I continued to stare at my food. Two chairs scraped against the floor as the two plants sat down for dinner.

"We never do things my way!" continued Vash.

"Well I didn't want to spend the rest of the evening at the damn saloon with all those filthy spiders," shouted Knives.

"Please Mr. Knives," said Milly softly, "don't raise your voice."

"You can't tell me-!" began Knives.

"Please?" asked Milly nicely. Knives shut his mouth. It never ceased to amaze me how Knives interacted with Milly. For a moment, it would seem like Knives was about to have a conniption. Then in the next moment, he would some what settle down although for the remainder of the night, Knives would sulk around and lock himself in his room.

I admired Milly. She was such a strong girl. Milly was aware of the fact that Knives was the cause of Wolfwood's death, even if it was indirectly. Yet Milly treated Knives how she always treated other people and that was with kindness and gentleness. I remembered how Milly cared for Knives during the first couple of vital weeks where Knives was seriously injured. Of course in the beginning, Knives had been a complete ass and was always mouthing off about how he would kill all the "spiders" in the whole entire world once he got better. But as Knives got better, he seemed to be less violent. He wouldn't rant about killing off everyone and he seemed to be more lenient, especially with Milly. She has such a big heart. I find myself asking why I couldn't be just like her.

"Meryl? Meryl!" I straightened quickly in my seat and glanced around the table. I was met by two concerned glances and the other one, well, he was just stuffing his face with food.

"Yes?" _Damn, my voice sounds so weak. I've turned into such a softie._

"Are you all right?" asked Vash. I couldn't help but gaze into his alluring aqua eyes. Those eyes held such intensity that I couldn't break away from it. I practically had to force myself to lower my gaze.

"Yeah," I said. I picked up my fork and pushed my food around my plate. I still hadn't touched my food yet. _I want to go back to my room._ Being in the same room with Vash was becoming uncomfortable. "I'm not hungry. I'm going upstairs." Before I could stand up, Vash stood up suddenly.

"No you're not," said Vash sternly. Milly glanced up at Vash and even Knives stopped eating. I glared at him for the first time in weeks. _How dare he tell me what I should and should not do!_

"Excuse me?" I gritted out.

"You haven't been eating properly and it's about time that you do," said Vash. "You will finish what's given to you."

"Mr. Va-"

"No Milly. Stay out of this," said Vash. I was surprised at Vash's tone of voice. He had never talked to Milly so roughly before. Milly stood up and cleared her dishes away silently. I noticed that Knives watched Milly's every movement. I didn't have time to ponder that action as Vash continued. "I will not leave this room until you've finished eating." This definitely got me riled up.

"You're not my father! Don't you even try to treat me like a child!" I yelled at him. 

"I'm leaving," said Knives and he left to go upstairs. Now there was only Vash and me. Vash stood up and took a seat closer to me. I felt my insides clench from the nearness of him. I crossed my arms in a defiant stance.

"Pick up your fork and eat." When I didn't pick it up, Vash grasped my fork and placed it in my hands. I glanced up at Vash suddenly and locked my eyes with his. Eyes narrowed, I threw the fork onto the floor with a satisfying clang and frowned. _No wonder he's treating me like a child. I'm acting like one._ I blocked that thought out and continued to be stubborn.

I watched as Vash reached over to his empty plate to grab his own fork. He took a piece of meat from my plate and did the last thing I would ever expect him to do in the situation we were in. Vash popped the meat into his mouth. My mouth slightly parted from surprise and the next thing that happened occurred really quickly.

Vash leaned towards me and grabbed my face. I gasped out in surprise as I feel his lips press hard against mine. _This…feels good._ At that moment, I felt as though time had frozen and the only sound I could hear was my erratic heartbeat. I feel his tongue slightly brush against mine and shivers run up and down my back. Then it was all over. Vash backed away with a smirk on his face and I'm aware that something is in my mouth. I bite down and realize it was the piece of meat he had put into his mouth. _Sneaky little bastard…_

"Now, would you like to cooperate and use a fork or will I have to feed you myself?" said Vash. I glowered at him. I reluctantly grabbed the fork away and began to eat. Vash seemed to be relieved that I started eating and was content in watching me. Once I finished, I stood up to go when Vash grasped my wrist.

"What now? I finished eating all of my food," I said irritatingly. Vash gave me one of his irresistibly cute smiles, which immediately changed my mood.

"Please don't make me worry about you," said Vash. I wanted to give him a smart ass reply but I glanced into his eyes and saw that he was serious. My heart slightly warmed at what he said.

"Don't worry about me. You've got other things that are more important," I said. I pulled my hand back and made my way upstairs again. The next thing that Vash said made me stop in my tracks.

"But you are important to me Meryl. More than you'll ever understand," was Vash's soft reply. I nearly broke down there and the throbbing ache in my chest made itself evident.

"That's really sweet of you Vash," I managed to choke out and continued my journey upstairs.

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Meryl's POV (again)

_What are you doing to me?_ I cried silently and slightly buried my head under my pillow. His lips had felt so…so…I can't even find words to describe what Vash the Stampede's lips felt like against mine. I shivered again as I remembered his tongue slightly brushing against mine. _Why do you do this to me?_ I punched my pillow and let out a strangled sob. _Are you playing at something?_

My heart refused to believe that thought. Vash wasn't like that. When he had said that I was important to him, for just one second, I thought maybe there could've been a chance that he could've been feeling the same way about me as I do for him. Although in the next second, I realized that he was just trying to be nice. My heart clenched painfully.

This is why I never wanted to fall in love in the first place. I remember back when I was in high school, I made a vow to myself to never fall in love. But there was one tiny little detail that I never addressed; you don't get to choose who you fall for. For that, Vash proved me wrong. There were many reasons why I didn't want to love another. Pain, rejection, betrayal, just to name a few. I didn't think it would have ever amounted to something like the situation I was currently in.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. _I wish I could just disintegrate into nothing right now._ My eyelids started drooping close after all of the stress and pain. _Sleep helps me run away from reality…_

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So what do you think? I know the first chapters are always boring. I hope it was alright. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas please email me. It should be on my bio. Thanks a lot!


	2. Decisions Decisions

Thank you very much for supporting my story! I loved reading you encouragements and thoughts. I am very impressed with all the reviews I got for the first chapter! A tremendous shout out to:

**GhnCreate**- GAH!!! Don't kill me! I give you Chapter 2 on a silver platter.

**Pyro**- Hmmm…that's a pretty good idea. I've basically written the whole chapter already but I'll try to put your input somewhere in the story. Thanks for the idea!

**Viscious' Girl Haru**- Thank you very much! I luv Knives! Even if he is an asshole sometimes…

**nomad**- Sorry it was kinda gross but I'm glad you liked it overall. Thanks for the review!

**KeNsHiNs GuRl**- (yelps) Alright, alright!!! I'm typing as fast as I can! Thanks for reviewing!

**Devilman666**- That's wonderful! I love Knives and Milly pairings. There aren't that many out there. I love Wolfwood and Milly pairings too but I favor Knives though. Thanks for reviewing!

**Ajd262**- Isn't that a relief. I can't even keep count on how many stories I'm reading. The only way I know when a chapter comes up is when I get an alert in my email. Thanks for reviewing!

**AKU**- Definitely! Chapter 2 is coming its way! Merci for the review!

**vashluver1**- I know, I've been procrastinating with Chapter 18 for A Change of Life. (mumbles) I haven't even started on it. (ducks head from flying toaster) Right! I better get going!

**Bannawraglog**- The characters of Meryl and Knives didn't come out too bad. Actually I'm more worried about Knives' character because if he's ever to fall in love I don't know how to make him sappy yet an asshole at the same time. Oh well…I'll figure it out.

**Hope-is-4ever**- There is no way in hell that I'll ever abandon A Change of Life. I worked too damn hard on that story. Thanks for reminding me though! I'm glad you like both of my stories!

**Candie**- Thank you very much! I'll try to update as soon as I can. This story might be a bit difficult for getting ideas and all. So if you have any suggestions or if you want something put in, just email me, kay?

**HelpComputah**- Glad it isn't boring! Thank you very much for reviewing!

**Marishka**- Wow! That's a very nice compliment. Hopefully I'll be able to get this story flowing smoothly sometime in the near future.

**The Pebble**- Thanks! Usually most people think the first chapters are boring. I'm glad that I was able to grab peoples' attention!

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Me: Look at all the reviews we got!

Knives: It's all because you're intelligent and- (door bangs open)

Me (gasps): Miroku! Spike! KIBA!!! (magically dresses self and jumps on trio)

Knives (eyebrow twitches): Quit stealing my girl!!!

Spike: I'll do the disclaimer.

Kiba: (growl)

Miroku: No, I'll do it my lovely wife…

Knives: WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?! (fight commences)

Me (sweat drop): I guess I'll do the disclaimer…

Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun or any of its characters…(sigh)…oh well…

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Chapter 2: Decisions Decisions

Vash's POV

As I watched her retreating back I thought about what Meryl used to be like a couple of months back. She used to have such a fiery spirit; always getting on my case. Now, well, to put it simply, she seemed lifeless like she had nothing left to live for. I was still really worried about Meryl.

I can honestly say to myself that my feelings for Meryl have deepened into something that I can sort of recognize. I haven't figured it out what this feeling is but I know I've felt it before. Being the dork-brain that I am, it'll take me a while… Knives did always say that I was blind to the obvious things.

Knives. What can I say? He's definitely changed. Deep in my heart, I don't think he'll become the genocidal being that he used to be. I haven't voiced my thoughts yet to anyone. I think it's for the best that they are kept to myself for now. But I know for sure that his pissy attitude will **never**…I repeat…**never** go away. I'm glad that Milly was there for Knives. I believe that if Milly hadn't been there for Knives all this time, I don't think Knives would be in the same state that he was in today, physically and emotionally. Sighing, I got up and cleared the table.

I trudged into the living room where Knives and Milly were playing a heated game of chess. Apparently Milly had the upper hand. Knives' eyebrow was twitching in concentration. If I weren't mistaken, I thought I heard Knives growl.

"C'mon Mr. Knives!" Milly said teasingly. "Do you give up?"

"Never!" yelled Knives. Milly sat there wide-eyed and giggled. "Incessant woman," he muttered. Knives made his move. Milly sat for a second and moved her piece.

"CHECKMATE!!!" Milly screamed triumphantly. It was amusing to see the baffled look that graced my brother's face.

"How the- What the-" stuttered Knives. Once he saw how she had won, he started cursing like there was no tomorrow.

"Shit! Mother-fuckin' asshole! Dammit! Fuck it all t' hell! Shit! Shit! Shi-"

"Now Mr. Knives, it isn't very nice to swear," said Milly. Knives shut his mouth and for a moment I thought I saw a faint rosy color kiss his cheeks from the nearness of Milly. Although in the next second, a scowl marred his face.

"Look here **spider**! I don't have to listened to a single thing that you tell me to do or what not to do," said Knives harshly. I watched silently as a sad gloom fell over Milly's cheerful expression. Her eyes turned watery with tears and quickly made an exit out of the room. I rolled my eyes. _What an asshole…_

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Vash sat in Milly's seat. He studied Knives' features and expressions. Once Knives saw that Vash was staring at him, he growled.

"What the hell are you looking at?" muttered Knives.

"I'm looking at a man who doesn't know how to treat a lady kindly and properly," said Vash simply.

"Does it really look like I care how that spi-"

"Milly," corrected Vash. Knives rolled his eyes.

"Fine. Does it really look like I care how _Milly_ feels?" said Knives sarcastically.

"Maybe you do."

"Maybe I don't." _Damn, that came out half-heartedly. Hope that idiot didn't catch that, _thought Knives. To Knives' relief, Vash hadn't.

"You know what you can do big bro?" asked Vash goofily. _Oh boy…_

"And what is that o wise one?" said Knives.

"You can apologize to Milly and take her out tonight," said Vash.

"There is no way in hell that I'm going to apologize **and** take her out tonight," shouted Knives.

"Please can you keep the noise level down? I'm not deaf you know. Plus Meryl is sleeping. I don't want you waking her up," said Vash.

"Aha!" said Knives triumphantly. "You like that little bitch don't you?" A darkness dampened Vash's features and he grabbed Knives by the collar.

"Don't you ever call Meryl that!" snarled Vash. Knives only smirked back and Vash threw him back on the couch.

"Touchy, touchy aren't we? Does the little spider know that you like her?" asked Knives knowing very well what the answer was. Vash froze in mid-step.

"Uh- well, you see-" stuttered Vash.

"That answers my question. I'll make a deal with you Vash. I won't tell your spider that you like her as long as I don't have to apologize and take the other spider out tonight," said Knives. Vash sat silent for a moment. "Good. We have a deal then." Knives started to get up from his seat.

"I'll tell Milly that you like her." That made Knives freeze entirely. He slowly turned around with angry look.

"What did you say?" Knives gritted out.

"You heard what I said," said Vash mischievously. Knives narrowed his eyes.

"She would never believe you," said Knives.

"I can easily tell her that you've been taking secretive glances at her," said Vash. Knives looked stunned. Vash chuckled at his expression. "You know Knives, I'm not as stupid as you make me out to be." _Shit, shit, shit, shit, sh-_ "Please stop swearing Knives. Your thoughts speak louder than your words."

"Look whose talking," muttered Knives. How many times had Knives had to force Vash's lecherous thoughts out of his head? Anyways, Knives was still angry as hell with Vash.

_'Asshole!'_ thought Knives aggressively.

'_You have a choice Knives. You can either do what I asked you to do or I can spill your little secret out…'_

'_FINE!!! I'll do it and just to let you know, you're wrong. I do NOT take secretive glances at her. Stupid idiot…'_

_'Now, now Knives. It's okay if you like Milly._' Knives threw daggers at Vash through his eyes. _'But it is not okay to be verbally abusive to a lovable and peaceful being as myself." _At that thought Knives snorted. _'Anyways, it'll probably improve your personality.'_

_'And what is that supposed to mean?' _thought Knives. _He better not be thinki-_

_'If you get laid tonight we won't have to deal with your pissy attitude anymore.'_ Knives was on Vash the next second wrestling him to the ground.

"You perverted freak! Is that all you can think of?" growled Knives as he pulled Vash's leg back.

"HOLY HELL!!! MERCY, MERCY, MERCY!!!" wailed Vash. Knives disgustedly let go of Vash.

"It never ceases to amaze me that we're actually brothers," mumbled Knives as he glanced at Vash's pathetic twitching form.

"Evil…" moaned Vash.

"You got that right for once."

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Yay! I got this chapter done quicker than I expected. Woo-hoo!!! Sake and sushi are on the house tonight and a truckload of Cup o' Noodles for moi! Sorry it was kind of short. I did this on purpose so that Chapter 3 would be longer. Hope you all don't mind!

Y'all know the routine!


	3. A Night Out On The Town

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Damn, I take so long getting these chapters up. If anyone thinks I'm going to abandon my two stories, **YOU'RE BLOODY FREAKING WRONG!!!!** (clears throat) Anyways, a shout out to my reviewers:

**Nanime9-** Sorry about the repetitive themes. It's just that this story was being created in my head and I just needed to get it out. I hope it works out better.

**Wolf-of-Hope-** Knives is **one** of my gods. There are Vash, Wolfwood, Kiba, Spike, Sesshomaru, Vash, Wolfwood, Kiba…

**Votuse-** Hehehehehehe…that was funny. That's the longest review I've ever had. I could vividly imagine Vash and Inuyasha doing that. I never realized they had so much in common.

**ghostie toast-** Ooh, I hope you don't die out on me!

**Pyro**- Glad ya liked it! Thanks for reviewing as always.

**KeNsHiNs GuRl**- Don't worry! This chapter will **definitely** be longer than the last chapter.

**nomad**- Thanks a lot! I always try to do that in the beginning of every story.

**Arashi**- I know! That's my favorite line out of the whole entire chapter.

**hope-is-4-ever**- Isn't it sweet?

**vashluver1**- I know, I know. I'm being a procrastinator (and that's not good for me). I need to get going with that story!

**Bannawraglog**- Perhaps I'll do a scene like that. It won't come for a while but perhaps if I'm feeling a bit spontaneous, I'll write it!

**Ajd262**- I might have to soften him up if there is to be a relationship at all! Hopefully he won't get all lovey dovey though. I like Knives being a toughy and bitchy plant!

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Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun or any of its characters. Wasn't that so creative? I think that was my best one yet.

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Chapter 3: A Night Out On The Town

Knives' POV

_This sucks monkey shit,_ I thought drearily. I had locked myself in my room all day. It was nearing dusk and I still hadn't apologized to her yet. _Stupid asshole brother._ There were many reasons why I didn't want to do this. Number one: I didn't want to spend my time with a bunch of tipsy spiders. Number two: Milly.

There were times when I thought she had cast some sort of spell upon me. From the day I had my first encounters with Milly till the present, I had never felt no hatred or anger in my heart towards her. It amazed me that she was never afraid of me. She was always so cheerful that it sometimes made me sick. But nevertheless, her presence calmed me and soothed my anger towards humans.

I growled slightly. I didn't want to be close to anyone. My feelings towards Milly were confusing me. I couldn't recognize them. They just completely baffled me. I didn't want to explain my feelings to Vash. Knowing him, he would just make something perverted out of it. A knock at the door made me sigh irritatingly. I didn't even need to question who it was.

"Are ya ready lover boy?" came Vash's teasing voice.

"Fuck off!" I shouted. Vash opened the door with a big grin on his face.

"Aw c'mon Knives! You'll have fun tonight." I noticed that Vash's eyes were watering and his lip started trembling. I rolled my eyes.

"What the hell's wrong with you now?" I asked, pissed off as hell already.

"It's just that…that…" whimpered Vash. I smacked him in the head.

"Spit it out before I throw you out the window!"

"It's just that my big brother is going out on his first date," said Vash. For the next ten minutes I was hell bent on pummeling Vash into a pulp.

"Get your ass over here!" I shouted. Vash yelped as I grabbed him around the torso and threw him on the floor.

"Ouch…" muttered Vash.

"You deserved it," I huffed out. Vash sat up and gave me that knowing look; the look that said I had something to do tonight or else… _I can't believe I was outsmarted by a half-wit,_ I thought begrudgingly.

* * *

Once Vash left his room, Knives showered and got dressed. While he was doing so, feelings of nervousness and unease crept upon him. He growled at himself. Knives didn't like these types of feelings. To him, it showed weakness and vulnerability. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror. _Vash isn't the only good looking one in the family…_ _Whoa! Where did that come from?!_ Knives mentally slapped himself. _It must be the environment that I live in that's warping my brain._ He quickly exited his room before anymore weird thoughts entered his mind.

Knives took a hell of a long time walking to Milly's room, which was three doors down from his. He hadn't even figured out how he was going to apologize and ask her out. Knives stood in front of her door, frozen on the spot. _C'mon you wuss! What kind of superior being are you anyway? Can't even stand up to a spider?_ With that thought, Knives knocked on Milly's door.

"Come in!" came Milly's cheerful shriek. Knives slowly turned the knob and pushed the door opened.

"Hello Mr. Va- oh!" Milly slightly blushed and dropped her gaze. "Good evening Mr. Knives," she said quietly. "Did you need something?" _Time to swallow your pride,_ thought Knives. He cleared his throat and stepped inside.

"I came here tonight to…apologize." Knives practically had to force the last word out of him. He took a quick glance at Milly, who looked slightly surprised, and focused his gaze somewhere else.

"Oh! There is nothing to be sorry about," said Milly. Knives risked another glance at her and saw that she had a slight smile on her lips. For some reason it made Knives want to smile back but he quickly dismissed that thought. "Is there something else you needed to say?" asked Milly. Knives mentally shook his head. _C'mon, just say it!_

"Yes," said Knives. Milly stood up and made her way towards him. He could feel himself slightly trembling and his palms started to sweat. _What's happening to me?_ Her closeness was becoming intimidating. Those bright, blue eyes seemed to hypnotize Knives.

"Mr. Knives? Are you alright?" asked Milly. Knives snapped out of his trance when Milly gently placed the back of her hand against his forehead. "You're not catching something are you?"

"I'm not a weakling," scoffed Knives. "I never get sick." Milly giggled.

"Never say never!" replied Milly.

"Whatever," mumbled Knives.

"Umm…Mr. Knives?" asked Milly.

"What?" spat Knives.

"Weren't you going to say something else?" _Dammit! She remembered._

"Yeah," muttered Knives. He took a deep breath. "Willyougooutwithmetonight?" he asked in a rush.

"Uh, come again?" said Milly. Knives sighed. _I forgot this was the slow one…_

"Will you go out with me tonight?" said Knives slowly.

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" With that Milly flung her arms around Knives and hugged him tightly. _Damn she's strong!_ "I will, I will, I will!"

"Alright, alright! I heard you already!" said Knives trying to struggle out of her embrace. Milly quickly took a step back and blushed.

"I'm sorry. It's just that it's very rare for men to ask me out. I don't think they find me attractive," said Milly in a tiny voice.

"Quit degrading yourself," said Knives. Milly's head shot up. _Did he just say something nice to me?_ thought Milly.

"Do you find me attractive?" asked Milly. The question caught Knives off guard.

"Why the hell are you asking me?" Knives asked irritatingly.

"Well, I assumed that the reason why you were asking me to go out with you tonight was that…well…I thought you liked me…and…well yeah," stumbled Milly.

"Look, the only reason why I'm doing this is because this is part of my apology for calling you a spider this afternoon," said Knives.

"Oh," said Milly half-heartedly. Knives looked at Milly. _Did she really think I was interested in her?_ thought Knives.

"Can you get ready in ten minutes?" asked Knives, not liking the silence.

"Alright!" she said cheerfully. Before Knives had a chance of stepping out of the room, Milly placed a quick kiss on his cheek. He stood frozen for a moment and then he growled.

"Hurry up! Don't keep me waiting!" snarled Knives and left Milly's room. Milly smiled and shook her head and got dressed.

* * *

Vash was waiting for Knives downstairs when he arrived. Knives sighed and plopped down onto a couch opposite of Vash. Vash grinned at Knives' flustered look.

"So, did you apologize and ask her out?" asked Vash.

"What do you think?" muttered Knives.

"I'll take that as a yes then," said Vash triumphantly. He took in his brother's appearance. Knives was wearing a white long sleeved collared shirt and a pair of black pants. "You look good." Knives humphed. "You know, if you didn't have such a bad attitude, girls would be flocking to your side."

"It's not like I'm vying for anyone's attention," grumbled Knives. They sat in silence for a while.

"Be good to her okay?" said Vash.

"And you're telling me this because…"

"Milly's been through a lot. She took Wolfwood's death harshly and it took her a long time to come to terms with it. So please treat her nicely please," said Vash.

"Fine," muttered Knives.

"I'm ready Mr. Knives!" said Milly, who was descending down the stairs. Knives looked at Milly and stared. Milly was wearing a pink floral dress and matching sandals. He had never seen her wear a dress before. Knives was used to seeing her in shirts and long pants. She looked very pretty…

"Say something!" hissed Vash.

"Oh…um…you look nice," said Knives. Milly went to Knives' side and slid her arm within his.

"And you look quite handsome yourself," said Milly playfully.

"Thank you, I guess," mumbled Knives.

"Awww…you guys look so cuuuuuuuute!!!" gushed Vash.

"Will you just shut up!" yelled Knives. He dragged Milly out the door, trying to put as much distance between him and Vash. "Stupid idiot brother…"

"Um…well…I'll be seeing you around Mr. Vash," said Milly, trying to keep up with Knives' pace.

"You kids don't stay out too late!" shouted Vash.

* * *

Once Vash saw Knives and Milly out, he closed the door and went upstairs to check on Meryl. He hoped she was feeling better. Vash had been noticing that she had a tendency to clutch her chest whenever she was around him. It had him wondering if she was sick or in pain. He reached her door and gently knocked.

"Meryl," he called out. No answer. He opened the door. Bathed only in moonlight was Meryl on her bed sleeping silently. Vash couldn't help thinking how much she resembled an angel. He quietly placed a chair by Meryl's bedside and sat down. Vash was still concerned about Meryl. He couldn't help noticing how pale her complexion was and how tired she looked everyday. _What was wrong with her?_ Vash hesitantly stroked her head.

Suddenly Meryl started groaning. She began to move around, effectively tangling herself in the sheets of her bed. Meryl muttered something that Vash couldn't understand.

"Mmm…Vash…where are you going?" she mumbled.

"I'm right here Meryl," said Vash, even though he knew she was only dreaming.

"Vash…Vash…" He saw tears slowly crawling down her cheeks. "Don't leave…" Meryl's arms flailed about and continued to cry.

"Meryl wake up! I'm right here!" shouted Vash. He felt her pain and sadness through his entire being and it crushed his heart to hear her cry out.

"Don't leave me!" cried Meryl. Vash crawled onto Meryl's bed and tried to still her body by pressing his weight upon her. "Vash! Don't go!"

"Please Meryl," Vash said in a soothing voice even though tears of his own started falling. "I'm right here." He wrapped her in his arms. Vash continued to gently whisper to her and Meryl's shakings eventually stopped.

"Vash," she mumbled.

"Right here," he whispered. Meryl snuggled deeper into Vash's arms. He sighed and gently stroked back. _My poor angel... She suffers even in her sleep. Do I cause you that much pain?_ Vash let sleep engulf him.

* * *

_How much longer can I take this?_ Knives had only a glass of red wine in the past two hours that they had spent at the bar while Milly had (enter your guess) glasses of booze. He lazily raised his hand for another refill of wine. Knives glanced around the room. _It's amazing none of them have dropped dead from alcohol poisoning,_ mused Knives.

"Hey Mr. Knives!" slurred Milly. She plopped herself down on Knives' lap even though there was an empty seat right next to him.

"Get…off," growled Knives. Milly giggled girlishly and slung an arm around Knives' neck.

"I like you as a chair. You're very comfortable," said Milly. Knives looked over Milly's condition. Her cheeks were slightly red and her breath smelled of alcohol. "You know Mr. Knives?"

"What?" Knives said grumpily.

"I've never hated you in my whole entire life," said Milly.

"I could tell."

"I could never bring myself to hate anyone, even you. I wanted to hate you with all my being. Vash told me all about you and your merciless killings. I knew you were responsible for Wolfwood's death even though it was indirectly. Yet, when I saw you slung over Vash's shoulder, wounded and unconscious, I thought that maybe there was hope for you. I thought maybe all you needed was someone to be there for you and a chance to start anew again. So I thought maybe I could help you recover and all my hard work paid off." Milly celebrated this thought by downing a glass.

Meanwhile, Knives silently thought over about what Milly said. He knew later on that Milly and the dirty priest were in love. Knives still couldn't help thinking that Milly could've done better than Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Again she amazed him at how forgiving she was. Knives could never forgive humans. They were just leeching off his brethren. Human beings were evil by nature. But…

_"Knives, humans aren't all that bad," said Vash. _

_"How can you say that! Look at what they've done to your body. Show them compassion and they'll hurt you. Show them no mercy and they'll flee," said Knives._

_"That's not how I live," said Vash._

_"You're a weakling Vash," snarled Knives._

"Yet I'm alive today," said Vash. He sighed. "Give them a chance Knives. Watch them and observe them closely. They aren't evil as you make them out to be."

"Mr. Knives?" asked Milly, breaking Knives out of his reverie.

"What now?"

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?" asked Milly.

"What kind of stupid question is that?" said Knives, trying to hide the embarrassment in his voice. "Of course not!"

"Don't you hate being alone?" asked Milly.

"I've always been alone. You get used to it," said Knives gruffly.

"You've had a lonely life. But no more! You'll never be lonely again!" Milly snuggled into Knives' lap. He was beginning to become uncomfortable. It felt nice to have her in his lap but something was happening to him. He couldn't figure out what it was… "You know Mr. Knives? You're very handsome and attractive. It's hard believe that you don't have anyone."

"I don't like attaching myself to other people," said Knives.

"But having a relationship makes you feel good," said Milly. She grabbed a bottle off the table and chugged it down. Knives watched in amusement as the girl on his lap became even tipsier.

"Don't you think you've had enough for tonight?" asked Knives raising an eyebrow.

"Too much is never too much," said Milly happily, swinging the bottle hazardly around Knives' head. He quickly grabbed the bottle out of her hands and placed it on the table.

"I think you should take it easy now," said Knives cautiously. Milly faced Knives and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"You care about me! You really, really care about me!" gushed Milly.

"Okay, okay! You don't have to get all mushy on me," growled Knives.

"But Knivesy-babe," mewled Milly. _KNIVESY-BABE?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!_ "It's easy to get all mushy around you." She repositioned herself on Knives' lap so that she was straddling him. Automatically, Knives' hands went to her waist. She pressed her lips against his neck. "Whenever I'm around you, I feel so relaxed and happy," she mumbled against his skin. Knives' breathing became uneven.

"What are you doing?" Knives asked. Milly gazed into his icy eyes and slid her arms seductively around his neck.

"Is it such a crime to show my affection for you?" asked Milly innocently.

"You're drunk Milly. You don't know what you're doing," said Knives softly. Her soft breath kissed his lips lightly as she replied.

"I may be drunk but I'm very well aware of what I'm doing," she whispered. Her lips were mere centimeters from his. Knives felt his belly fill with excitement and butterflies. _Is she playing with me?_ Shyly and innocently, Milly closed the distance between her and Knives. Knives' eyes widened. His body reacted violently towards the emotions that were building up inside of him. It took all of his might to not react to her. Her lips were soft and sweet; nothing Knives had ever tasted before. Her hands stroked his chest and Knives began to unconsciously rub her hips in tiny circles.

Milly pulled back and gasped in air. She gazed into Knives' glazed eyes. Milly realized her mistake of being so bold. _Maybe I shouldn't have drank that last bottle…_

* * *

Yay! I got another chapter in! Sorry once again for the long wait. If only we had more vacation time I could write tons of chapters…


	4. Questionings of the Heart

I actually had time to write! I know I have to update my other story (**A Change of Life**). I'm actually having a bit of a struggle trying to get the next chapter together. If anyone has any ideas on how I could piece it together, I'm all ears. Thanks to those who have been so patient:

**KeNsHiNs GuRl-** I'm actually updating! Whoo-hoo!

**Nightfall2525-** I definitely agree that they should. I mean, it **is** about time that they do. Thanks fore reviewin'!

**ShadowVixen90-** No I haven't ever watched Yu Yu Hakusho before. I've heard of it but I've never gotten around to watching it. Is it any good?

**Ajd262-** It's alright! I don't mind. I'm glad you liked that chapter. Now you get to see how Knives will react.

**Votuse-** Well it wouldn't matter how many months older you were. We're the same age. (giggles) I really love your drabbles. Keep it up! I enjoy reading them!

**ender2256-** Now you don't have to wait anymore and I definitely second on that that we should have more breaks.

**Pyro- **Noooooooooo!!!!! You stole my lovers! (bawls brains out)

You (rolls eyes): Jeez, I'll give them back to you.

Me: Yayayayayay!!!!

**i-luv-knives- **I love Knives too! He is one of the gods I worship.

**hope-is-4ever- **I don't know how far I will push the R rating. I think I'll go as far as I can as long as the story lets me.

* * *

Me: Okie-day, it's disclaimer time.

Sesshy: This Sesshomaru will do the disclaimer for you.

Me (gets struck by sexiness): L-Lord S-S-Sesshomaru?

Disclaimer: This human author claims that "she doesn't own Trigun or any of its characters."

Me (blushes): Why thank you Lord Sesshomaru! Whatever made you- (Sesshy brings me closer to him) err…what are you doing?

Sesshy (sniffing my neck): Your scent is quite alluring. (Knives walks in)

Knives: What the hell are you doing with my girl?

Sesshy: She's your woman.

Knives: Damn right she is.

Sesshy (unsheathes Tokijin): I'll fight you for her.

Knives (cocks his gun): Bring it on dog breath!

Me (sweatdrops): Not again… Oh well, here's Chapter 4!

* * *

Chapter 4: Questionings of the Heart

Knives stared back at Milly intently. He didn't deny the fact that he enjoyed that kiss. It was filled with so much innocence and affection. _Does she really like me **that** way? Or is this just the alcohol?_ His gaze traveled down her body. Her skirt was hiked half way up her thighs because of the intimate position she was in on top of him. Knives' eyes trailed back up to her half-lidded eyes, looking at him in a daze. _Should I? I guess there's no harm in doing so. She won't remember when the morning comes…_

He slowly brought his hand around her neck. Milly gasped slightly in fear. _Uh oh…now I **really** did it this time._ She looked into his eyes. What she saw was neither anger nor hate but a sort of melancholy gaze. His hand wrapped around the back of her neck and gently grasped some of her hair.

"Mr. Knives?" she questioned softly. Milly squeaked as Knives jerked her head towards his and their lips met in a mighty clash. She softly moaned and let her eyes drift close. Once again she wrapped her arms around his neck and he straightened her body against his. Knives felt a wandering tongue against his lips and slightly parted them. Milly boldly pushed her tongue into his mouth and it was Knives' turn to gasp slightly. In the next second, he had his stroking against hers. She tasted of alcohol and something unique that was just Milly.

Milly slid her hands down his chest and began to tug his shirt out of his pants. Knives barely registered what Milly was doing and didn't make any movement to stop her. She slipped her hands underneath his shirt and felt his smooth, solid body ripple. Milly let her lips trail down to his neck where she nipped and suckled on his skin. Knives, at the moment, felt like he had been drugged with lust. He thought he had some sort of control over the situation but it seemed to be quite the contrary. Knives realized that two hands were exploring his body and he knew he had to stop this.

"Milly, that's enough," said Knives, trying to sound stern. Milly brought her head up and a twinkle in her eyes clearly told him that she wasn't through yet. She playfully nipped his bottom lip.

"Relax. Enjoy yourself for a change," Milly mumbled. Her hands began to slide down to his waistline. Knives' breath hitched in his throat as a ghost of a touch glided in between his legs. He yanked her hand up and looked at her in bewilderment.

"I think we should go," said Knives breathlessly.

"Why? We're having so…much…fun…" Knives watched as Milly's eyes rolled back in their sockets and she fell limp in his lap. He sighed and ran a hand through his short hair. A slight snore emitted from Milly as he stood up and shifted her body in his arms so that he could carry her more comfortably.

"Where are you going with that fine lady?" asked a nearby drunk.

"None of your pathetic business," said Knives scowling at the man.

"If she's too much of a bother, just hand her over to me," he said, giving lewd looks at Milly. In the next moment, the drunk found himself on the floor with a broken jaw.

"What the fuck did you do to my fuckin' face?" shouted the man. Knives silently exited out of the saloon, ignoring the man's incessant yelling. _Pathetic spider…_

* * *

Knives' POV

_The moons are shining brightly tonight._ I usually don't bother observing things like that, but they stand out tonight. Looking down at the woman in my arms, I really wonder now if she will remember anything that happened tonight. Milly's lingering taste tempted me again to kiss her again but I restrained myself in doing so. These feelings inside of me were actually frightening me. I had never felt these feelings before; therefore I couldn't recognize them. What was it? Liking? Lust? Passion? Lo- _Ha! Don't even go there! There is no such thing as love._ Milly shifted in my arms and snuggled into my chest.

"Knives," she sighed.

My heart clenched. _Was this woman actually attracted to me? Doesn't she realize I murdered her late lover?_ Whatever feelings I was feeling now, I wanted to diminish it. I wanted to forget that this night ever happened. Tomorrow, it would be like as if nothing ever happened. Plus, I didn't want to be near her ever again. I did not want to get attached to a human.

When I reached the house, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. I decided to put Milly to bed and take a thorough shower to rid myself of her alluring scent. I opened the door to Milly's room and walked the small distance to her bed. Sitting down on her bed, I gently unwrapped myself from her embrace and laid her down. I sat there for a while gazing at her. I pushed a few strands off her forehead. She looked ethereal with only the moon as a source of light. I stood up and took one last glance at her. Her soft lips tempted me again and I gave in for one last time. I bent down and pressed a soft kiss on her lips and immediately left her room.

* * *

Meryl's POV

_It's so stuffy,_ I thought groggily. I opened my eyes slowly and looked down. An arm was draped across my stomach. _That is not my arm._ Slowly, I turned my head to the side and came face to face with the sleeping blond gunman. _VASH!?!? Why is he in my bed? Did he sleep with me last night?_ No shit Sherlock. His hair had drooped over his forehead. Damn he is so hot… A slight grunt from Vash made me freeze. He had snuggled even closer to me, burying his head into my neck. I gasped softly as his hand began to move up my body.

_He better pray that he's still asleep._ I felt his lips slowly moving on my neck in a dreamless kiss. My breath became irregular as his warm breath blew gently on my skin. I watched silently as his hand came closer to my chest.

"Meryl," moaned Vash. I jumped slightly thinking that he had awoken but he was still asleep. "So…beautiful." Tears sprang to my eyes. _Does he think I'm **really** beautiful?_ That was so sweet… I immediately froze as his hand covered my breast. _Damn nasty pervert…_

"VASH!!!" I screeched as loud as I could. Vash's head snapped up, his aqua eyes searching the room.

"What happened? What's going on?" Vash said frantically.

"Get your freaking hand off of me," I growled.

"Wha-" Vash looked down and blushed. He quickly took his hand away from me. "I-I'm sorry Meryl." Vash scrambled off of the bed and kept a safe distance away from me. I rolled my eyes.

"It's alright," I sighed. "I'm not going to kill you."

"You couldn't even if you tried," smirked Vash. I laughed softly.

"Can't argue you with you there." Vash timidly came closer to me and I pulled the covers back. He jumped back into bed like a little kid and I resisted the temptation to smack him on the head. Vash pulled me closer to him and I relished in the warmth that his body gave off. _If only I could do this every morning._

"So why were you here last night?" I asked him.

"You called me to you. I think you were having a bad dream last night. You cried my name out numerous times and it sounded like you were in pain. I had to come to you to prevent you from moving all over the place," said Vash. I nodded.

"I'm sorry Vash," I said.

"For what?"

"For being such a burden. I'm supposed to be watching over you and Knives, not the other way around," I said.

"You are not a burden to me," said Vash. "I enjoy helping out as much as I can."

"That's why you have such a big heart," I said. He gently rubbed my hands. I began to feel uncomfortable again. My chest began to throb slightly and I sat up clutching my chest. Vash sat up with me and frowned.

"What's wrong Meryl?" said Vash.

"It's nothing," I said. The throbbing ceased and I relaxed somewhat.

"Yes there is. I've seen you clutching yourself many times already. What's wrong? I can help you. **Please** let me help you." I turned to him and saw how desperate he looked. He wanted to ease my pain so badly. I shook my head and grasped his hands.

"I'm sorry Vash. You can't help me this time."

* * *

Milly's POV

I woke up bright and early as usual. My memory of last night was a bit hazy. I don't know if this was true or not but I vividly recall kissing Knives. _Perhaps it was all a dream?_ It felt so real though. I touched my lip and shivered. _Wait, how did I get up here?_ I didn't recall going to bed. Did I- _I must've passed out at the saloon last night again._ Knives had carried me home last night. A faint blush emerged on my cheeks.

"Thank you Knives," I said softly. I brushed my hair in front of the mirror. Knives has really changed. I can see it in his eyes. Malice and insanity no longer lingered in his them. His eyes… They were cold yet warm at the same time. Those eyes could make anyone fall under his whim. Hypnotic, seduct-

_Whoa! Am I attracted to Knives?_ No, no, no, no, no! I can't be! He killed Nick. He **murdered** Nick. My first love. How could I give in to Knives like that? I tried to rid his face out of my head but I couldn't. Tears slipped down my cheeks. I couldn't like Knives like that. It wasn't right. Wouldn't I be betraying Nick? _Oh Nick, what am I to do?_ I think I'm falling for the ice king…

Meryl walked downstairs to find Milly sitting alone at the dinner table. She looked around to find Vash and Knives nowhere near. Meryl walked over to Milly and sat across from her.

"Where's Vash and Knives?" asked Meryl.

"They went to go get some groceries," said Milly cheerfully, although it sounded a bit strained.

"Is something wrong Milly?" asked Meryl. Milly looked up at Meryl and sighed. She took a sip of her tea and told Meryl what was on her mind.

"Last night, I went out with Knives-"

"WHAT! You went out with Knives?" said Meryl in a high-pitched tone. Milly ducked her head down to hide the blush that was forming across her cheeks. She nodded.

"Yeah I did," said Milly quietly.

"Oh Milly. You shouldn't have. It's not good to get mixed up with people like him," said Meryl.

"Don't say that," said Milly bitterly. Meryl gasped silently. Never had Milly used that tone of voice on her. It shocked her.

"I'm sorry Milly. It wasn't right of me to say such a thing. Please continue," said Meryl.

"So I went out with Knives to a saloon and I had a wonderful time with him." Milly giggled slightly. "Of course I was dead drunk and, well, I-I think…" This time Milly's blush grew even brighter. "I think I kissed him," finished Milly in a miniscule voice. Meryl's jaw dropped. _Milly kissed Knives?!?! Ewww…_

"Are you sure that…you kissed him?" asked Meryl, disgust clearly written all over her face.

"I strongly think I did," said Milly. She covered her cheeks with her hands. "Then I believe I passed out at the saloon because in the morning I woke up in my bed." Meryl let this sink in her mind.

"So what's bothering you?" asked Meryl.

"I think I like Knives," said Milly softly.

"Well of course you do. You like everyone-"

"No! Not as a friend. I think I **like **him like him," said Milly. _Oh no…_ thought Meryl. _Milly's falling for a psychopath!_

"Milly, I don't mean to be rude but-"

"It's okay Meryl. I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that I shouldn't get too close with Knives because he's still potentially dangerous. I don't think Knives **is** dangerous anymore. Knives has changed! I see it in his eyes. Why can't you accept Knives? Why can't you be nice to him?" said Milly.

"Because he almost killed Vash!" cried Meryl. A moment of silence passed between the two insurance girls. Milly softly sighed and reached over to grasp Meryl's hand.

"I know that Meryl, but can't you see how Knives has changed?" Meryl reluctantly nodded. "This pass year has been spent trying to show Knives a different point of view in life. He may still despise humans but at least it isn't to the point where he wants to kill them. I know his attitude needs a little bit of improvement though." Meryl chuckled at that. "That can be easily fixed hopefully." Meryl gently squeezed Milly's hand.

"Alright, I trust that you'll have the better judgment," said Meryl. She made a move to get up from the table when Milly stopped her.

"There's one more thing I need to ask of you Meryl," said Milly. Meryl sat back down and gave Milly her full attention. "Is it alright to feel this way for someone who murdered Nick?" Meryl bit her lip. _Was it all right?_ Meryl contemplated this and found the answer to be quite simple.

"If you listen to your heart Milly, it'll guide you in the right direction," said Meryl.

"Then how come you don't follow what you say?" asked Milly. This caught Meryl off guard. Meryl tried to pretend that she wasn't following Milly.

"I don't understand what you're talking about," said Meryl, who immediately stood up from her chair to walk away.

"Why don't you just tell Mr. Vash that you love him? He has the right to know," said Milly.

"We've been through this before Milly. I wish not to go over it again," said Meryl. Milly studied her expressions. _There has to be more than what she has already told me, _thought Milly. _Let's go through the list: __she thinks Vash will leave again, he'll reject her, which is highly unlikely, doesn't want to be a burden to him, the plant/human issue, save him from pain, blah, blah, blah… Hmm, I wonder…_

"Rem doesn't have anything to do with this does she?"

* * *

I'm sorry if this chapter was kind of boring. It was meant to be more informative. I hope it was decent enough to keep your curiosity going. Now be a good reader and do your thing! (Hint: There's a purple button that you're supposed to click on.) (wink!) 


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